Assertive vs Aggressive: How to Find the Right Tone

There is a fine line between being assertive and being aggressive, and sometimes this line can become blurred. No matter what our professional role, we need to be confident and assertive to carry out our jobs effectively, but in challenging situations, our tone might sometimes, unintentionally, appear aggressive and confrontational.

To maintain respectful relationships and ensure a positive outcome for all, it’s that we find the right tone with the individuals we support and with our colleagues.

Contrasting forms of expression

The two terms are often used interchangeably, but they do, in fact, have different distinguishing characteristics. Assertiveness is a positive way of communicating that is direct, clear and constructive. As one of the most effective forms of expression during confrontation or negotiation, it is centred around consideration of one another’s needs and values. When we communicate assertively, we maintain boundaries, show respect and take others’ needs into account.

Aggression, on the other hand, is rooted in negativity and the need to control other people. When we use an aggressive approach, we put our needs first and disregard the needs of others. This can involve making demands without explaining or listening; shouting or interrupting; berating someone; or even just adopting a certain tone of voice or body language. Ultimately, an aggressive tone jeopardises relationships and rarely leads to a positive outcome.

Valuing commitment over compliance

When we want someone to do something, both aggression and assertiveness can yield results, prompting and persuading people to act, but for very different reasons.

We can reflect on an occasion when we may have found ourselves in this position: perhaps we were asking a busy, overworked colleague to urgently fill out a much-needed risk assessment; or maybe we needed an individual in our care to complete a task which they were reluctant to do. It can be helpful to consider why the individual or colleague did what we asked. Was it out of respect and commitment, or out of fear of reprimand?

None of us intends to come across as aggressive; however, there are times when we can unwittingly use an aggressive tone. The difficulty is, when we make demands and expect immediate compliance, this can present as disrespecting others’ needs and boundaries. Instead, we need to build respectful, trusting relationships where we inspire commitment, rather than relying on fear-based compliance.