Why Ultimatums Don’t Work for Long-Term Change

What are ultimatums? They can be thought of as a final demand. Essentially, we are asking for compliance from the individual we are working with, rather than giving them a genuine choice. Ultimatums most commonly occur in moments of frustration, when we’ve run out of ideas to get a child, young person or adult to do something we ask.

Out of desperation, we issue an ultimatum. But what do we do when that doesn’t work? It’s important to take stock, consider what is driving the individual’s behaviour, and ask ourselves why an ultimatum feels like the only option. That way, we can see the possibility of a different approach to supporting the individuals in our care.

Why do we give ultimatums?

While we may not say it explicitly, ultimatums can sound like, “Do this, or else!” and often follow this type of pattern:

1. We ask the individual calmly and politely to do something: “Please can you complete this task?”
2. We repeat the instruction: “I’m still waiting for you to complete the task.”
3. Then, we offer a reward if they do it: “If you complete the task, you can go out and play football.”
4. Next, we shout: “Get the task completed, RIGHT NOW!”
5. Finally, we issue an ultimatum: “If you don’t complete the task, you’re not playing football for the rest of the week!”

We tend to work up to giving ultimatums, and use them when we feel angry and out of control. It’s easy to say things we don’t really mean because we feel frustrated.

When faced with a behaviour that might need support, the most important thing to do is have a moment of self-reflection before acting. We can ask, “How am I feeling?” before trying to address the behaviour we don’t want to see.

What is the problem with issuing ultimatums?

Ultimatums do sometimes work – or, at least, they can appear to work. But when they do, it’s often based on a fear of the consequences. In other words, they can serve to coerce someone into complying. This can create a negative relationship between us and the child, young person, or adult. Ultimatums breed resentment. They can even make the individual in our care feel frightened of us.

Often, when we give an ultimatum, we’re not actually prepared to go through with it. Individuals are quick to pick up on that. They know we’re not really going to take their football away forever, or stop them from choosing a favourite activity. And then we’re stuck.

What can we do instead of giving ultimatums?

Removing ultimatums doesn’t mean letting an individual ‘get away’ with everything or encouraging them to ignore us. In fact, avoiding ultimatums helps us stay more in control of challenging situations and encourages the behaviours we want to see.

Here are five practical alternatives to ultimatums that work:

1: Give yourself time

When we feel angry, we often say things we don’t mean. Giving ourselves some time to calm down helps us think rationally about the situation.

Taking a few deep breaths before speaking, doing something else, or just walking away for a few moments can help you feel in control.

2: Break instructions down

Generic instructions like “Complete the worksheet!” or “Tidy this room!” can seem overwhelming and unmanageable for some children, young people, and adults. They might think it will take them a long time to do it, or may not be able to process what we are asking of them.