What To Do When Someone ‘Pushes Our Buttons’

We all have things that push our buttons: drivers cutting us up; people being rude; discarded litter on the street; feeling ignored or unheard; and being interrupted, to name but a few.

When something or someone ‘pushes our buttons’, it can provoke an almost visceral reaction in us. Our heart begins to race, we clench our fists, and a wave of anger wells up inside us, causing us to behave in sometimes irrational and extreme ways. We can lose the ability to think clearly, and either explode or shut down.

Due to the nature of our settings, where we may be supporting individuals through challenging situations or navigating difficult conversations, it is not uncommon to find ourselves feeling like our buttons are being pushed, perhaps even on a daily basis. When this happens, how do we calm our nervous system, de-escalate the situation, and preserve the relationship with the individual involved?

What do we mean by ‘pushes our buttons’?

‘Pushes our buttons’ means that we are being emotionally triggered, and while it is convenient – and perhaps natural – to blame others for our reactions (He really winds me up! She is trying to aggravate me! They are getting under my skin today!) the fact is that our triggers are a manifestation of our own internal beliefs, feelings, and thoughts. This explains why what frustrates one person may not faze another.

For example, we might feel extremely triggered when somebody ignores us or invalidates our feelings. This trigger is revealing an unhealed wound within us that demands to be explored. Or maybe we have a strong emotional reaction when someone laughs at us because, subconsciously, it reminds us of being ridiculed or teased at some point in the past.

When someone or something pushes our buttons, it can feel intensely personal, which is why we find ourselves reacting in extreme ways that might be out of character. We subconsciously attach meaning to the behaviour and it is that meaning that triggers us. But the truth is that someone else’s behaviour towards us is rarely personal; rather, it is a projection of their own inner world.

Getting to know what pushes our buttons

We all have different triggers, so if we are to provide the best support for the individuals in our care and manage our own behaviour effectively, it is imperative that we recognise what pushes our buttons. That way, we can respond, rather than react, to others’ behaviour, maintain a compassionate relationship with both colleagues and individuals, and become more considered in our approach.

Raising our level of self-awareness is a key component in identifying our triggers. Look back with curiosity (not judgement) to times when you have felt provoked:

• • What are the common denominators?

• • Is there a pattern of behaviour?

• • Does it happen at certain times, or with certain people or topics?

• • How does this behaviour manifest?

We should also acknowledge the fact that the things that push our buttons, might also push our service users’ buttons, too! Feeling ignored, being invalidated, not being listened to, being interrupted – all of these can be triggering for the individuals in our care, as well.

Once we have pinpointed the factors that are likely to cause a strong reaction, we are better able to anticipate potentially volatile situations and take action to minimise our emotional response. For example, if we know that one of our colleagues regularly interrupts us in meetings, which makes us feel undermined, we can explore ways to manage this in a positive and constructive way.