Responding to Perceived Rudeness

As human beings, we all have things that ‘push our buttons’. One behaviour that many of us can find difficult is rudeness. When we think someone is being deliberately rude to us, it can feel like a personal affront, leading us to react to them, rather than respond.

What is rudeness?

Rudeness – or, at least, what we perceive as rudeness – is something we all encounter at some point, although the definition of ‘rude’ can vary widely. It can also look and sound different, depending on the age and needs of the individual concerned.

Rudeness can include:

• • Intentionally not listening to someone, or acting as if we can’t hear or see them

• • Choosing not to follow instructions, rather than not understanding or being unable to follow them

• • Swearing and using offensive language

• • Spitting

• • Making someone feel uncomfortable by discussing taboo subjects, such as sex, weight or appearance

• • Turning our back on someone or moving away from them

• • Gestures, such as showing a middle finger

• • Mocking, teasing, or laughing at someone

Rudeness: intentional or not?

Sometimes, people can appear to be rude without realising it, and what one person perceives as rude may differ from another. For example, honesty can feel very rude, particularly if it’s about something like our personal appearance. Somebody might say, “Your hair looks messy today,” and mean it simply as an observation, rather than a judgement or criticism.

Whether we deem this sort of comment rude or not depends on a number of factors, such as the intention behind it, knowledge of the individual, and the relationship we have with them. Of course, rudeness is not always unintentional: some individuals may deliberately say or do things to elicit a reaction from us, or to upset us.

Being rude can also be a habitual response, driven by prior experiences and feelings, and can sometimes be used to mask feelings of discomfort or insecurity. Behind the behaviour, an individual may actually be feeling anxious, angry, or attempting to deflect us away from something else.

Whatever the feelings that are driving the rude behaviour, how we respond to it can either help defuse or further escalate the situation.

Listen to our podcast about reacting versus responding.