“It’s not you, it’s me…” How often have we heard this expression in everyday life?
In our settings, when an individual is emotionally distressed or heading towards crisis, there is a tendency to look at that behaviour in isolation. We quickly try to decipher the emotions and feelings behind the communication, focusing our efforts on applying tried-and-tested de-escalation strategies. Our attention, understandably, is centred around the person in distress.
But how often do we pause to consider the role we may be playing? We know that all behaviour is communication, so there is inevitably a correlation between our own behaviour and what it communicates to those around us.
It’s only when we recognise this and raise our levels of self-awareness and self-reflection that we can better support those in our care.
Understanding our own communication
The individuals we support need us to be emotionally available and regulated to help them navigate their own difficult feelings. Ideally, our responses would be calm, measured, and consistent every time. However, the reality is that what is going on inside us and around us has an enormous impact on how we feel inwardly and behave outwardly.
When we walk into our place of work and interact with individuals, we bring our ‘whole self’ with us, so we need to be aware of the factors that influence our behaviour and responses. Broadly speaking, these can be split into three categories:
1: Environmental factors for communication
These are often events or conditions over which we have no control, and that have an adverse effect on our emotional state. Perhaps we have been stuck in a traffic jam on the way to work, which has made us late; or maybe there is noisy building work taking place outside our window, which is making it difficult to concentrate. The associated lack of control we have over these circumstances can trigger strong feelings and, therefore, powerful reactions when we find ourselves in situations with the individuals we support.
Read our article, What to do When Someone Pushes Our Buttons.
2: Personal factors
We are all human, so at any given time, we all have something going on either at work or at home that impacts our feelings and behaviour. It could be relationship issues, financial worries, health concerns or a bereavement. It can be hard to leave these feelings ‘at the door’ when we come to work, and they can often influence how we interact with our colleagues and with the individuals in our care, whether we are aware of this or not.
3: Historical factors
As products of our past, when we find ourselves in difficult situations, it can instigate a multitude of deep-rooted, uncomfortable feelings of our own. Experiences we have had, beliefs we hold, trauma we may have endured, and habitual, reactionary patterns of behaviour can surface, seemingly out of nowhere. These can then shape how we behave and respond to what is happening in the present moment.
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