Understanding Ignoring and Refusal

It can be hard when someone refuses to do as we’ve asked, particularly when we feel under pressure, tired, or frustrated. Ignoring and refusal can sometimes lead to a power struggle and an escalation in behaviour as we seek to control the situation.

However, thinking about why an individual is saying no or ignoring us can help us understand their actions; all behaviour is communication, after all.

Our job is to look beyond the behaviour itself and understand what is driving it. We can then tackle the underlying causes and find a positive way forward together.

Explore the reasons for ignoring and refusal

There are numerous reasons why and individual may appear to ignore us or refuse to respond to our requests:

1: Physical causes

When we simply expect compliance, we can miss an opportunity to understand the needs that drive behaviours. There may be an underlying physical reason, such as an individual feeling tired, hungry, or thirsty.

2: Being absorbed in an activity

When someone appears to ignore us, it may be because they are fully absorbed in an activity. They may not even ‘hear’ us as their attention is on something else.

Even if we gain their attention, they may still refuse to co-operate with a request, as they might want to finish what they are doing before transitioning onto something else.

3: Not understanding the purpose of the request

Sometimes, individuals may not understand why we’re giving an instruction. We feel this way when we’re told to do something and we don’t understand the purpose of it; it’s the same for the individuals in our care. Explaining the ‘why’ of what we’re asking offers a reason and a purpose to the request. For example:

• “The table needs to be clear because dinner will be ready in 5 minutes.”
• “We need to tidy up now because the bell is about to go for break.”
• “Let’s finish this now so you can take your medication.”

4: Struggling to understand something

An individual may also ignore or refuse to follow an instruction because they are finding something difficult. For example, a child or young person in a school setting may be finding work challenging. Refusing to do it could be a sign they’re struggling, and might present an opportunity for us to provide support.

And don’t forget, sometimes what appears to be ignoring us can simply be that we haven’t caught the individual’s attention. Starting a sentence with their name, allowing processing time before giving an instruction, and being aware of whether they are focused on something else, can help us understand if we are seeing a behaviour response, or they just don’t realise we are trying to communicate with them.