How Guilt Can Damage the Restorative Process

Guilt can be a powerful emotion. When we have made a mistake or done something ‘wrong’ – or even think that we have – we can find ourselves overcome with feelings of guilt. And this is entirely normal: guilt is a self-reflective response to a real or perceived wrongdoing and can feel incredibly overwhelming for many people.

As practitioners, we can sometimes inadvertently make individuals feel guilty for their actions, reactions and behaviour. This is often unintentional, but it risks damaging the restorative process and can have long-lasting implications for the children, young people and adults across our settings.

The problem with intentionally provoking guilt as a response to behaviour

When we perceive that someone has behaved in a way that does not meet our expectations, or has engaged in behaviour that needs support, we can sometimes use guilt as a means of getting individuals to understand the impact of their actions. This might particularly be the case when someone has been hurt, either emotionally or physically.

The following scenario exemplifies what this might look like in practice:

During an activity, someone in crisis kicks a chair over in a crowded room. The chair hits another person on the leg and injures them.

In response, the staff member asks emotive questions such as, ‘What did you do that for?’, ‘How would you feel if…?’ and ‘What do you think their family will say when they’re told about what you’ve done?’ They might also say, ‘I’m really disappointed in you,’ and ‘You should know better.’

The individual, who is visibly uncomfortable with the interaction, shuts down and refuses to engage, or perhaps cries. There is no attempt to repair and restore the relationships affected. The following day, a similar incident occurs, and the response is the same.

The impact of feelings of guilt

Even though it is a natural emotion, guilt can feel unbearable, resulting in feelings of self-loathing, shame and embarrassment and reduced self-worth.

Without intervention, guilt can leave individuals feeling like there is no way out and that they have irrevocably damaged relationships with others. Left unchecked, it can quickly spiral into a destructive cycle, affecting both the individual and those around them. Trusting bonds and strong relationships are jeopardised and effective restoration cannot take place.

Instead of thinking, ‘I did something wrong,’ or ‘I made a mistake,’ an individual can start to believe the self-talk of ‘I am a bad person’.

Characteristics of an effective restorative process

Where harm has been caused, individuals need time and space to reflect on what happened so they can understand the impact of their behaviour on others. However, this should happen within a wider supportive culture of reflection and repair, part of which might involve setting up post-incident restorative conversations.

Read our article about creating an environment for post-incident support.